sometimes the thing which is begging to be said is also the most embarrassing. but alright, ok, i’ll come out and say it: i’m afraid!
i’m not embarrassed that i’m afraid. i’m embarrassed that the thing which I’m afraid of sounds so benign, like it should simply be fun and exciting rather than scary:
i’m afraid of looking for a source of income again, after months of enjoying a paid sabbatical (my german unemployment benefits will last until the end of may so there’s still time but i, ever one to get ahead of myself, have already begun searching for gigs). i notice that i am afraid of “looking for a source of income” and not “working” because it doesn’t exactly feel like i’m not working right now (writing, although enjoyable, still feels like work to me) and because the search itself feels daunting, especially since i’m not sure what i’m looking for. i am afraid that i won’t find anything, and that i will get discouraged, and in the process fall into the trap of going back to doing exactly what i was doing before, and which i’d spent so much effort trying to escape in 2021 and early 2022.
here’s the thing: there were things i enjoyed about my old work as an IT consultant. troubleshooting and solving difficult problems, for instance, and working closely with people in different parts of the world who i never would have crossed paths with otherwise. but there were more things which i hated: office politics, bureaucracy for the sake of it, long meetings, what i perceived as other peoples’ incompetence. and not having full ownership over my time.
when i quit my job last may, i swore that i would never work for another large company again, nor would i ever return to full time work. i joked that i would do whatever i could to simply avoid bankruptcy for as long as possible before renting out my time again. and in a way this is still my plan, except that my definition of “bankruptcy” is less narrow than it was before - it turns out that i do want a bit more of a financial safety net, and to be able to go on vacations and splurge on the occasional fancy dinner without worrying about dipping too far into my savings. i also miss working as part of a team, and the accountability and comfort that came from knowing that other people were dependant on - ideally benefitting from - my actions. will i be able to find a source of income which provides these securities without my starting to feel claustrophobic again? and what are the steps to get there? am i resilient enough to handle the inevitable rejections along the way?
earlier this afternoon my internal experience felt like a scribbled ball of ink on scratch paper, all muddled up and ugly and knotted. that black scribbly ball morphed into a heaviness behind my eyelids, so i crawled up on the gray futon couch in Ulrich’s office and napped, and eventually i felt the weight of both cats as one climbed up to perch on my hip and the other wedged itself up against the back of my hamstring. over an hour later i shifted my legs as i woke up from the nap and the cats immediately leapt multiple feet in the air, their tails all puffy as they dashed out of the office to hide behind some furniture in the living room. and as i watched them disappear i felt a small twinge of jealousy mixed with admiration as i realized that the cats weren’t ashamed of their own fear. no, they didn’t even pause to think about whether it was embarrassing to be afraid of their human companion’s twitchy legs but rather let their fear wallop fully through their bodies like an electric charge, which then promptly disappeared as quickly as it had materialized.
hahah this ending was the best! i went from feeling heavy to feeling so light and free - a good reminder, once again, to be more like a cat. Isn't it funny how tolerable some of those jobs would be if they only required a 4 day work week!?