we’ve all heard the legend of the giant squid battling the sperm whale; although never witnessed directly by humans, the evidence lies in the sucker-shaped scar tissue found on the cheeks of washed-up whale carcasses which match the exact toothy size and shape of the discs on giant squid tentacles. but have you ever heard of the epic battle between the apatosaurus and the kraken, a one-time fateful event which took place in the mid-16th century, approximately 150 million years after the apatosaurus’ rumored extinction and 150 years before the first kraken encounter was officially documented by man?
who am i kidding; of course you haven’t heard! it is a tale which until now was largely obscured from the annals of human knowledge. but you see, there was in fact an epic battle, witnessed by one lone human who has since passed down the account through many generations of wisdom seekers like you and i. it is said that the cause of the battle was an unfortunate misunderstanding between the kraken and a pair of pterodactyls over who was rightfully entitled to an ocean eel which both parties had happened upon at precisely the same time. the hungry pterodactyls insisted that it was they who had found and fatally injured the eel; the kraken pointed to telltale scars on the eel’s head as evidence that it belonged to her. the apatosaurus, unwilling to stand idly by while the pterodactyls’ honor and safety were at stake, quickly came to their defense. it was not immediately clear who was favored to win the battle between the apatosaurus and the kraken, because while the apatosaurus had a clear advantage in body girth and weight, the kraken was a wilder, madder creature; it thrashed about with a heart of pure unbridled evil and had tentacles consisting of suckers with glass teeth. one look directly into her eyes could freeze the body of an enemy in an instant. but the apatosaurus knew this, you see - for the apatosaurus was as wise as it was ungainly, and as it stared up at the mass of tentacles threatening to descend upon its spine, it took careful care not to meet the gaze of the kraken. but unfortunately the pterodactyls were not so careful, and after a single glance at her eyes they suddenly froze mid-air, and the colossal kraken slapped both creatures out of the sky with a single *whap* of a throbbing tentacle -
“what the fuck!” came a shrill, piercing voice from somewhere in the distance. Phoebe gasped and turned to see her philosophy teacher, Ms. Rogers, standing in the doorway to the nearest apartment complex, her thick brown hair wrapped in curlers as she held a floured rolling pin high over her head. “Phoebe Mayer, is that you? what in the actual fuck?”
“I -” Phoebe began to explain, but words failed to materialize. she held the white-out pen perfectly still in her left hand, hoping that by failing to move it the pen - and by extension, her whole body - might suddenly become invisible. Or at least Ms. Rogers might turn and go back inside without need for further discussion.
But Ms. Rogers became motionless herself, and her eyes narrowed into slits as she awaited an explanation.
Finally, Phoebe cleared her throat. “The - the midterm assignment you gave us -” she began, hoping Ms. Rogers would smile or nod in recognition. “You wanted us to - document our theory on the fifth mass extinction in an unconventional way.”
Phoebe could feel the centripetal pull of Ms. Rogers’ eyeroll from 25 feet away. “an unconventional way,” she huffed, “would be like if you filmed a video diary as opposed to writing a five-paragraph essay.”
“an unconventional way,” she added, “might be if you decided to vandalize your own car with your cartoon panel drawings, and not the car of your very teacher who will be deciding on what grade to give you at the end of the semester!!!”
In that instant Phoebe felt a rash of goosebumps sweep down the backs of both of her arms. she could no longer remember how she arrived at Ms. Roger’s evergreen station wagon three quarters of an hour ago; she could only vaguely recall the seductive call of the glossy surface to her pen, which she had then easily retrieved from her fanny pack. she felt the sudden sting of tears on her cheek.
“i’m sorry, ms. rogers,” she mumbled. “i- i don’t know how i got here.”
ms. rogers sighed, then lowered her wooden rolling pin to shoulder level, scratching her scalp with the handle. “look,” she eventually said, fidgeting, searching for a note of compassion somewhere between her larynx and her lungs. “i suppose, since you’ve already started…”
Phoebe waited expectantly.
“…so go ahead and finish your work of ehm- art, and then please wash it off once you’ve finished and taken a photo. you can submit the photo as your mid-term assignment. i assume -” ms. rogers cleared her throat - “that you’re using the type of white-out which can be washed away with soap and water.”
Phoebe nodded rapidly, the tears dripping from the bottoms of her cheeks.
“good!” said ms. rogers, finally showing a glimpse of the quivering smile which Phoebe was used to seeing in her fourth period philosophy class.
as ms. rogers turned to go inside, she paused and tapped the handle of her rolling pin against the doorframe. then she craned her neck back towards Phoebe and winked. “any spoilers as to your grand conspiracy about the fifth mass extinction?” she asked.
Phoebe exhaled slowly, then examined the drawing she had begun. “uh - well, in my version of events, certain dinosaur species didn’t die after the jurassic era but rather lingered around on earth long enough to get involved in an epic medieval battle against a giant kraken. and then, even though it was a pretty close call, the kraken eventually killed off two pterodactyls and an apatosaurus with its beastly tentacles.”
Ms. Rogers chuckled, shaking her head, and disappeared through the doorway, specks of bread-flour falling like snow onto the ground where she had just been standing.
This story is a contribution to the 9th STSC Symposium, a monthly collaboration from STSC's writers around a set theme. Our topic for this month is Dinosaurs.
the apatosaurus and the kraken
"Pics or it didn't happen."
Yuelian: "No. Pics after HOW it happened."
You are fucking brilliant and if this is what writer's block looks like (since you said you were experiencing that earlier) then damn, bring on the block, baby!